Hot damn! I'm so excited I'm fit to bust; I'm so happy I could shit!
That's right, ladies and gentlemen, we got our first fan mail for the first time ever, just this week!
Okay, okay, okay...(sorry!) Here's a little snippet from the first one:
I see that you are such a nice person and I don't know where else to turn. Boy! Oh, boy. Am I in a lot of trouble. You see, my father, the King Of Ethiopia, has been captured and taken hostage and held for ransom by rebels. While he is being held in the hills not far from the capital, I myself cannot help him as I escaped with my colleagues and the bodyguard and the Crown Jewels.
We are in a camp for displaced persons just outside of Val d'Or, which I admit is actually in Italy. As you should know, kind sir.
Unfortunately, the rebels are demanding cash, i.e. untraceable assets. They are quite adamant you see, and so of course I thought of you. You have many friends around the world and we (the government in exile,) were kind of wondering if you had any friends at the Bank of England.
(Personal details omitted.)
Okay, here's the next one:
Old buddy, old pal!
Say, Lou, all kinds of lazy, no-good bastards, untalented fools and other assorted shitheads are making a ton of money off of the internet. Why not you?
What's so fucking special about you?
If these idiiots can do it, so can you! I'm here to help you, and if you will just click on this link to receive my free pdf, we can get started right now!
Don't worry, I got lots of links. But before we do that anyway, look here:
Here are the twelve points of successful internet marketing:
1.) Listen to me.
2.) Sign up for my course.
3.) Check out my other products, all free!
4.) That's right, Lou, they're all free!
5.) It is only when you go to upgrade, that the reasonable monthly charges really start to kick in.
6.) But I could go on!
7.) Lou, I can see that you are a busy man, just like me, so I will now enroll you into my only-free newsletter, for a special thirty day free trial!
8.) I am really looking forward to our new relationship.
...and I got a couple others here, as well. Yes, ladies and gentlemen:
'Nothing beats the glow of a job well-done.'