Monday, May 7, 2012

News from the Future: Brane-Sex toy controversial.

Couple having brain-sex burns to death in Lennoxville as neighbours hammer on the door.

Lennoxville, Ontario, Canada: (Reuters-Al-Jazeera)

The Ontario Fire Marshall’s office is investigating after a young couple, Mark and Patricia Boyle, both twenty-four, were found dead in their bed after an early-morning fire at their home in this normally placid southern Ontario community. While faulty wiring has been found to be the cause of the fire, the grisly deaths have raised a whole host of issues.

Their two children, Michael, age thirteen months, and Sarah, two and a half years old, were rescued by a passerby who then alerted emergency services. The building was fully engulfed in flames when firefighters arrived on scene. There was no hope of attempting a rescue according to sources.

“You really haven’t lived until you’ve pried apart two charred and blackened young lovers, in the prime of life and with a lot to look forward to,” said Fire Chief Robert Magillacuddy, with an uncharacteristic note of anger evident to this reporter. “This was so senseless. They still had the wires hooked up to their heads.”

While the deaths have not been ruled suspicious, nor is there any suggestion of foul play, an inquest has been called in order to find out if the tragedy could have been prevented, and to make recommendations on how the province might best cope with what has become a rash of such incidents. There have been seventeen incidents in Ontario alone since the product was introduced to much fanfare earlier this year. Hundreds of incidents have been reported worldwide, according to credible consumer watchdog groups.

“The product is safe if instructions are followed and as long as love-gamers remain aware of their surroundings,” said Branesex Corporation spokesperson Griff Measly when contacted by reporters. “There are all kinds of safety warnings, both on the packaging and in the manual.”

Staff members here at News From the Future examined the product recently and found there are indeed plenty of warnings, and more than the average number of disclaimers included in the product packaging.

Lennox Fire Department Chief Magillacuddy is adamant.

“This is just plain nuts. The thing should be outlawed. What the big corporations are getting away with these days is just outright murder.”

Two months ago, police were stunned to follow up on an anonymous tip and discover a ‘brain-sex orgy,’ in a ‘love-pit,’ which was a kind of dugout, roofed with cardboard, in a local hang-out park. While the eleven teens and pre-teens involved in that incident were “fully dressed and not touching each other,” according to police, the incident caused a local uproar and global mass media carried the story round the clock for about nine days. All the youths were plugged into the device. Authorities in some jurisdictions are treating such young people as victims, and in other jurisdictions, as malefactors.

“Police were shocked by the images projected by the young people’s brains,” according to Bernie Jacques, of the Lennox Prosecutor’s Office.

“We’re still trying to determine a legal basis for charges against someone, well anyone, really,” according to Jacques. “The real problem, and a big gap in the law, is the fact that there really is no such thing as an illegal thought or an unlawful dream. Sometimes new technologies come along, and it takes the law quite some time to catch up. Governments should be more responsive to these new technologies.”

Local parents have formed a committee which is looking for ways to keep the ‘brane-sex’ toy, which resembles a pod-type music box with multiple outputs and inputs, from the hands of children and the disabled. In a bizarre twist, another committee wants to distribute them in old-age homes so that old people won’t be so lonely. The Mothers Against Drunk Driving, Smoking Drugs, and Other Naughty Things Party has condemned the devices and is lobbying the government for the product’s removal from the market. Pro-Life and Pro-Choice activists, as well as Free Tibet and Chiropodists Without Borders have also chimed in on the debate.

“We’re against pretty much everything,” said MADD-et cetera’s Fearless Leader Matilda Griswold as she dashed past reporters on her way to a meeting of the Continental Caucus, where she leads El Presidente’s Extremely Loyal Opposition.

The device works by wireless electronic stimulation of the brain’s limbic system through a set of electrodes resembling the earphones on any music box. Two of these are attached by sticky pads in the area of the temples of the gamer, with another attached at the back of the skull. By transmitting false signals to the visual and other sensory centers in the brain, a hypnotic effect is induced in ‘love-gamers,’ according to sources.

According to confidential sources, the effect is said to be ‘totally real’ to participants.

“With all kinds of fresh downloads coming out, and plenty of new worlds to explore, manufacturers are pumping them out like so many hot rolls,” according to one source who requested confidentiality. “Love-gamers always have that little shaved patch on the lower back part of the skull, just behind the right ear, and little pairs of puffy red marks at the temples. That’s how you can always tell. Quite frankly, dollar for dollar, the wireless version, at only twenty bucks more, is your best gaming buy on the market today.”

No comments:

Post a Comment

Please feel free to comment on the blog posts, art or editing.