|Mom and I never discussed anything of consequence.|
She called me in the car or when I was having a dump.
I know we’re supposed to stay focused on the positive, but I am. Really.
Sometimes it’s important to take a minute and think about what we ain’t got, and I don’t know; maybe even celebrate it a little.
I don’t have a cell phone. Why in the hell would I have a cell phone that I might use once a week? When the only one that ever called me was my mother, usually when I was in the car or taking a dump. We never discussed anything of consequence.
I don’t even know what it costs to run a cell phone these days. I simply don’t care.
I don’t have an alarm clock or a calendar. Think about that one for a while.
I don’t have a laptop, a tablet, an iPad, or an iPod. I never have to lose the charger or the cord, which oddly enough costs as much as the rest of the unit put together—all that copper, apparently. Copper is a precious metal.
The actual phones are mostly silicon and plastic, rubber, and bits of lower priced metals. I don’t have a game-box, neither do I have a big-screen TV with theatre surround sound with enhanced bass.
|Vacuum cleaners suck.|
I don’t have a TV. I never have to waste my time complaining about nothing being on TV. I don’t give a shit what’s on TV. If I could order one channel at a time, for fifty cents a month, I might consider it. My total monthly bill would be about $2.50. Otherwise I won’t have it in my house.
I don’t have a stereo, radio, ghetto blaster, CDs, anything like that. When I complain about noise, people always say, “Oh, you’ve got to get a TV or a radio or something in there, then it won’t bother you.”
I’m supposed to replace some other asshole’s noise with my own. That’s about the size of it.
I figure people hear so much noise around them they want to fight back. They want to control something. So they get a radio and try to drown out the annoying noises that all those other people make.
I want to control something too—I want to control how much quiet I got raging in my place.
I like to turn that fuckin’ quiet up all the way. You know?
I don’t have a cat, a dog, a bird, or a fish. I don’t have a snake. I don’t want one. They can go fuck themselves.
|This is not me bowling.|
If you want a friend, buy a good car or a pair of respectable shoes or something. Sooner or later they will let you down, but hopefully you got your money’s worth out of them by then.
I don’t even have a really good suit.
There’s a lot of things I don’t have, a garden, a motorbike, a skidoo, a personal watercraft, a trailer out at the Pinery, a yacht, a jet, a set of night-vision glasses, an Aston-Martin DB-6 and a jet-pack, scuba gear, a Hasselblad, a miracle cure for AIDS, a bowling league night, the list goes on.
And I still don’t care.
(Louis, we're out of beer. - ed.)
Okay, now I care.
Photos: Top, Ken Schumin/Zach Vega, middle, Xiaphas, bottom, Che.