Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Ceremonial Hockey Stick.


I often thought if I had to join a repressed minority group, I’d like to be rich.

Sarnia, Sarnia, what a town, gotta love it. Plug in your electric shaver and the streetlights get dimmer.

I wish I was like one of them people who had more money than brains, although some say in my case it would be about eleven bucks. Not worth it, I guess.

People tell me I’m losing weight, it’s not exactly a compliment though. Kinda skinny, you know. I sorta gotta run around in the shower to get wet.

I like thinking, I do a lot of it. Someone told me if I think too much it will wear my brain out. And then I’ll be an even bigger idiot than I am now. I don’t see how that’s possible, you know?

Middle age is a time of maturity. (How old are you, anyway? –ed.) (Fifty-two…and a half. My birthday’s coming up in August and I want blah blah-blah blah-blah blah…)

So like your typical middle-aged man I have the mind of a fourteen-year-old boy trapped in the body of a seventy-year-old. (Let’s not go down that road, keep it light. –ed.)

Um, um, oh yeah, when I was a baby I was so ugly my parents fed me with a slingshot. (Hey!) And, and, they had to tie a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me. (Are you quite finished? --ed.) I have leadership qualities. (Really? –ed.)

People look up to me.

(You ARE unusually tall. Have you thought of getting an earring and tying a red hanky on your head? –ed. )

{Nope. –Louis.)

I saw a TV commercial where they said “Our national reputation is riding on a hockey puck!” (Your reputation is sliding headfirst into your own goal with the puck in your mouth and your stick--!!!) {Let’s not go down that road!--Louis.} (-all fouled up in your equipment. –ed.)

{Whew! Almost had me worried there. --Louis}

(You ain’t the only one. –ed.)

I don’t actually play the hockey. But since it is a part of Canadian culture I keep a hockey stick around the house for ceremonial purposes. It’s not a prohibited weapon.

As a Canadian, I enjoy the Easter, and the springtime, and the long speeches ever so much. It is such a jolly time to dress up in our colourful native costume.

(Which is what? Faded jeans, tacky running shoes and a plaid hunting shirt? -- ed.)

(Yes, --ed, that’s right. Oh, yeah. Don’t forget the dumb-looking hat…)

One more thing, if you are wondering why I don’t have a girlfriend at present, it is because I’m saving up for a real good one.

(You can’t seriously expect to buy a girlfriend.--ed.)

I expect to buy a Porsche. The girlfriend thing will take care of itself.

{And on that note I expect I best be going…--Louis.}

{ expect you best…better…aw, the heck with it. – ed.}

You're using my brackets. (Doh! -- ed.)

“As a man thinketh, so shall it be.” I guess that’s what I’m trying to say. And with a face like that, I’m going to need some kind of an edge. So I’m not really that shallow and superficial. It just sounds that way at first glance.

{God grant us patience…--ed.}

(--yeah, me too.-Louis.)


Today’s special bonus link.

Vancouver knows how to riot.

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