Wednesday, June 10, 2015

An Imaginary Interview with Louis Shalako, founder of Long Cool One Books.

Photo of Louis cooking a snake by KellyB, (Wiki.)

An Imaginary Interviewer

The following is an imaginary or virtual interview with Louis Shalako, alleged founder of Shalako Publishing, Long Cool One Books and Larga Fresca Uno Libros.*

Imaginary Interviewer: Louis, we can’t help but notice that you’re madly giving away a billion dollars’ worth of books, mostly ebooks.

Louis: Yes.

I.I.: So why you doin’ that?

Louis: It shows confidence in the work.

I.I.: So you’re buying readers.

Louis: We prefer to think of it as investing in ourselves.

I.I.: You’re investing a billion imaginary or virtual dollars into this company, or trio of imaginary companies.

Louis: That’s about the size of it.

I.I.: Holy crap, I’m already floundering. But it seems that you really understand this marketplace; better than most I’m thinking. You’ve found the combination that really cracks that algorithm…or something like that. I don’t pretend to understand it myself.

Louis: I think you’re doing very well. Nice semi-colon in there, incidentally. Not everyone has that superior intellect. But honestly, I’m no Steve Jobs. He’s dead, incidentally.

I.I.: Thank you. So you were in 7-11 this morning.

Louis: Ah. You’ve been spying on me. Yes, I told the lady, the trouble with 7-11 is all the weird old men who come in here.

I.I.: And what did she say?

Louis: We got a laugh out of her. But the guy standing next to me turned and asked, “Who you calling old, Mister?” Those moments are too few and far between in this existence.

< emptiness >

I.I.: Did you just use the Jedi Mind Trick on me?

Louis: Ah, yes. Sorry. It was only for a couple of minutes. I had to go to the bathroom.

I.I.: Louis, this is a $29-billion-dollar industry.

Louis: So.

I.I.: Some of our more conservative and therefore intelligent business sources think this might be a sneaky attempt to grab something like a good three or four percent of the available market share in this, ah, industry. Some of them guys can do the actual math and everything. Some of our sources are sure glad they don’t have your nerve in their tooth sort of thing…

Louis: I don’t think I like the tone of that question.

I.I.: I’m sorry. It will never happen again…shit!

Louis: Ha!

I.I.: That was the Mind Trick again, wasn’t it…???

Louis: Yup.

I.I.: Are you going to kill me…???

Louis: Not today. Maybe.

I.I.; One more question?

Louis: technically, two more, counting the last one.

I.I.: Do you sit around in your underwear a lot?

Louis: Ah, yes, — ed., but that’s not me, first of all, and second, we love the readers that much.

I.I.: Industry insiders are scoffing at you, Louis. There’s also a bit of white around the eyes as well. But, honestly, they don’t think you can do it.

Louis: Good.
I.I.: Seriously. By the way, what’s that smell?

Louis: Pepper snake.

I.I.: Did you just say ‘pepper snake…’ … ???


*but actually Louis was created in a test tube by me, the Evil Dr. Emile Schmitt-Rottluff.**

**which makes me the founder—obviously. – ed.***

***and it really does show confidence in the work.****

****I’ll say one thing, Louis sure knows how to cook snake. Mmn. –ed.

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