Editing: Before and After.

c2011 (S)

This is another excerpt from 'The Shape-Shifters,' in the process of editing.

Before:



“If you don’t have any money,” said Nathan. “I can get you a motel room, put it on my card.”

Jean just slumped in the chair, not answering him right away. Defeat was visible in his posture.

“He’s staying with me,” said Janet firmly. “I’m not putting up with any arguments on that score.”

Nathan and Polly exchanged a quick glance, a small smile stealing over each one’s face.

“Well, this may not be the best time,” began Polly. “But Nathan and I have an announcement to make.”

“Really?” asked Janet, perhaps quicker on the uptake than Jean, who had been through so much tonight.

“Huh?” he said. “What? I’m sorry?”

But it sunk in, what they were trying to say.

Nathan stood up and Jean got up and shook hands with him.

A sudden wide grin transformed his features, if only momentarily.

“Really?” he asked, looking in approval from one to the other of them.

“We’re a couple now,” announced Polly.

Standing up, she was stunned to discover that Jean had stepped in close and was giving her an impulsive hug. She grinned beside his shoulder into Janet’s eyes.

“Well! Mister Gagnon.”

She said it in confusion, slightly nonplussed by the outpouring of emotion from the man. Janet stepped up and gave Polly a quick hug too.

After:

“If you don’t have any money,” said Nathan. “I can get you a motel room, and put it on my card.”

Jean slumped in the chair, not answering him right away. Defeat was visible in his posture.

“He’s staying with me,” said Janet. “I’m not putting up with any arguments on that score.”

Nathan and Polly exchanged a quick glance, a smile stealing over their faces.

“Well, this may not be the best time,” began Polly. “But Nathan and I have an announcement to make.”

“Really?” asked Janet, perhaps quicker on the uptake than Jean, who had been through so much tonight.

“Huh?” he said. “What? I’m sorry?”

What they were trying to say finally sank in.

Nathan stood. Jean got up and shook hands with him. A sudden wide grin transformed Jean's features.

“Really?” he asked, looking in approval from one to the other.

“We’re a couple now,” announced Polly.

As she rose, she was stunned when Jean stepped in close and gave her an impulsive hug. She grinned beside his shoulder into Janet’s eyes.

“Well! Mister Gagnon.”

Polly found the outpouring of emotion from Jean a little overwhelming. Janet stepped over and gave Polly a quick hug as well.

“I’m so happy for you guys,” she said.

***

Which is better? Hopefully the second example, right?