Showing posts with label shit like that. Show all posts
Showing posts with label shit like that. Show all posts

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Maintenon Mystery Number Eight: Death of a Nudist.



Louis Shalako



“See who that is.”

“Ah, yes, sir.” Tailler moved to the front of the cabin, and they could hear him talking to somebody out there.

“Hello.”

The other voice was barely audible, being outside and the pair moved to follow him into the living room.

“Yes? Can I help you?”

 “Hello. Is Marko there?”

“Ah, no. Not really. Would you care to leave a message?”

“Um. Nope.”

Mouths open, they listened intently, Maintenon moving to the window and peeling back the curtain on the side furthest from the door so as to peek out through a small crack on an oblique angle.

The little girl was totally nude except for pink flip-slop sandals. She might have been nine years old.

There was a strange sense of guilt and one’s heart pounded for some reason. Yet it was hard to imagine what else they might have done—

“When’s he going to be home?”

“Ah, I don’t know.”

“What’s your name?”

“I’m Emile. What’s your name?”

“I’m Judith. What are you people doing here?”

“Are you with your parents? What’s your last name?”

The little girl regarded him solemnly. A strange man in a suit in a community of naked people must have set some kind of little bell ringing in her head and her caution spoke well for her intelligence.

“Why do you want to know?”

Maintenon snorted quietly, and now Larue was squeezing in for a look, so he stepped back.

“Look, I’ll tell him you were looking for him, okay? So, uh, what’s your mommy’s name?”

“Sylphie. Sylphie Courtenay.”

“And your father?”

“Guillaume.”

“Okay. Well, then, ah…goodbye now.”

Tailler gently but firmly shut the door in her face and turned to face them as Maintenon watched the girl turn and walk slowly away, towards the park and what he thought was a pool and shower complex.

It was like any public pool—they would make people take a shower, with plenty of soap and hot water, before getting into the pool.

“It really is a bit disturbing, isn’t it?” Larue had this odd look on his face. “Quite frankly, I think the Inspector was having a real hard time with this one. I reckon that’s why he called you. That’s one reason, anyways.”

The Inspector, as he put it, was a devout Catholic and a pretty die-hard conservative politically as well as in the social sense.

Tailler put his handkerchief away after dabbing sweat from his forehead.

His eyes sought out Maintenon.

“Yeah, I hear you, Larue.” He’d seen his own kid naked, of course, getting them ready for bed, in the bath and all that sort of thing. “Ah. Gilles. I was thinking—we’d better have a look at that camera—and all of that exposed film.”

Maintenon nodded grimly.

Tailler was right, but Gilles already knew about Monsieur Dubzek and his kind.

He’d been in trouble for that sort of thing before.

Sort of.

Almost.

***

“We could really use any guidance or assistance you can give us.” Larue was professional enough to know they were a little out of their depth here. “We’re only too happy.”

The local detachment had about forty men, spread over three shifts with a small, senior staff on daylight hours. Most had nowhere near the training of the big-city police just a few short kilometres away and Larue was candid enough to bring it up early in the dialogue…as he put it.

Maintenon nodded grimly.

“Tailler.”

“Sir?”

“Get over to the office. Use the phone. Call Chiappe—don’t let anyone put you off. Tell him we need a complete forensics team here.” He looked over to Larue. “No disrespect to your people—and we can only pray that we haven’t contaminated the scene beyond hope. But Monsieur Dubzek is known to me. And I’ve got a real bad feeling about this one.”

“What sort of feeling, sir?”

“A sick feeling, gentlemen. One very sick feeling.”

And if his theory was correct, perhaps some small smidgeon of sympathy for the killer.

That wouldn’t stop him from doing his job, but it might make it a little harder. It’s not like anyone ever really enjoyed it—it simply wasn’t that kind of a business.

One of the keys to solving any homicide lay in remaining objective—and yet, here he was, with all kinds of thoughts.

It would be wise not to jump to conclusions.

“And in the meantime, sir?”

Maintenon shrugged.

“Seal it up again. And then we wait.”

It was terribly unorthodox, and could play absolute hell with any eventual prosecution.

What were they supposed to do, though?

Larue swallowed, understanding the implications.

“There’s a pretty good little hotel in town. The food’s not bad, and it’s clean. A bit of a disclaimer, ah, my cousin owns it.”

“That will do, Detective. That will do. In the meantime, we keep our mouths shut as best we can, gentlemen.”

“Yes, sir.”

***

There were certain questions they could ask, of course, and it would be unusual if they didn’t.

The place to start was with the neighbours. The people on the west side of Number Eighteen weren’t home, although the place was currently occupied judging by wet towels on the line and windows thrown open to the breeze. There was an older female at home on the east side, Number Seventeen. 

With no buildings on the other side of the laneway, the chalets were numbered odds and evens, which seemed a bit unusual.

Maintenon was sitting on a bench in front of the tall, V-shaped glass front of the chalet. Fanning himself with his hat in the unusually hot late June day, he let the younger detectives handle it.

Tailler took the lead, with Larue listening and observing his style rather intently and taking copious notes.

“So. Madame, ah, Bouvier. What was your neighbour like? Can you tell us if you saw or heard anything unusual, over the last two or three days, perhaps?”

Thankfully, the woman, safe in the privacy of the chalet, had elected to answer the door wearing a thick terry-cloth housecoat although her feet, veined and skeletal, were bare, with the nails painted a hideous scarlet. Why did ugly people take such pains, one had to wonder sometimes.

“Oh, I don’t know.” She blinked in the harsh sunlight, seemingly reluctant to invite them in. “They say he was a medium, though, and some said a genuine warlock.”

“A warlock?”

She laughed nervously.

“It was all bullshit, though. Mostly, I think, he was just entertaining. A most charming man, when he wanted to be.”

“You mean, like when he wanted something?”

Larue scribbled away.

“Yes, exactly.” She seemed a little more involved now.

The lady took a breath and let it out.

“If nothing else, it was at least quiet over there. Some other people are just mad, you know, what with all the noise and the music and the shouting. There was big fight a while back—a domestic dispute as I believe you call it.” She went on. “This was a while back.”

“What unit?”

“Ah, eleven, I think.”

So she wasn’t exactly stupid, then. Keep it to the point.

“Did he have any particular friends here in the park?”

“I don’t know about that. We all know each other of course, but people came to stay with him from time to time. For the most part, they kept to themselves…”

***

“Do you know what this is, Monsieur?’

Maintenon held an exposed roll of film in his palm.

“Ah, yes, sir. That would be an ASA 125, 120-millimetre, thirty-six exposure roll of Agfafilm…”

“That’s not exactly what I meant.”

The gentleman coloured.

“Then what do you mean, sir?”

“Did you know that Monsieur Dubzek had a camera.”

“Well, I sort of presumed so—he did purchase film from time to time.” Monsieur Delorme straightened up with a sigh.

He had an account book open on the desk in his private office, along with the guest register, what looked like employee time-sheets and a very small number of punch-clock cards. A grandfather clock ticked loudly in a corner and there were three cats sprawled about in various states of indisposition. 

The cats did not appear to be unhappy, merely unable to move a muscle for anything less than the apocalypse…the wall looking out into the shop was all glazed, and the desk was positioned to have a good view. In winter season, when there were very few guests, one or two people would have to look after everything, including the cooking. There were newspapers, a magazine on nudism or two, and an empty coffee cup. He seemed to like plants, for there were a number of them scattered about.

Larue cleared his throat.

“Er…” He blushed furiously. “But with all of these naked people around…”

There were laws about photography, especially without consent, or for blackmail and badger games.

The gentleman uttered a deep sigh.

“May I remind you gentlemen, that nudity is not illegal. This is a private club, on private property. It is part of the charm of the lifestyle, naturism, that people are not particularly self-conscious. Parents take pictures of their children, and each other. We have a few pictures up on our bulletin board. It’s not all that unusual.”

“So, how many people, what percentage, have cameras?” Larue glanced at Maintenon who gave him a faint nod as Tailler looked around for a seat, notebook open. “When was the last time Dubzek bought film?”

“I would say that a good half of them have cameras. Not all of them use them very often, but one of the kids had a birthday a while back and I saw a few then.”

He considered the second part of the question.

“Monsieur Dubzek might have bought a couple of rolls of film. I wasn’t on the counter but I see all the receipts, you understand.” According to him, people could charge to an account and settle up at the end of their stay, especially if they had been long-term members of the club.

“Hmn, I see. And so—”

“Yes, well, in general. The 120-format is a little bit expensive, a little bit big for the average person, who mostly have those little cameras that were all the rage a few years back. The Pixie, I think they called it.”

“Very well.”

A lady came out of the back room and looked at him inquiringly, but Larue put her off with an upraised hand. It had been decided to put lunch off until they got a properly-trained technical team onto the murder scene. She was just turning away when the bell over the door rang and a couple of small boys came in, their penises tiny and hairless. These ones didn’t even have sandals on. One was carrying a small change purse and they made a beeline for the sweets counter as Larue struggled on.

“Ah, did Monsieur Dubzek have company often?”

“Yes, certainly.” Delorme seemed imperturbable, eyes occasionally straying back to his books.

“What sort of people were they? Anyone stand out in particular in your mind, sir?”

Maintenon looked at his watch, stomach rumbling. Turning at the sound of gravel crunching under wheels out front, he was rewarded with the sight of a long black car with the unmistakeable look of the department. His jaw momentarily dropped. The men in the car were ogling a girl, a jolly nice girl, unfortunately one who looked to be about fifteen years old. They were taking their bloody time about opening up and coming in. Finally one door opened hesitantly. It was that honey-golden tan, of course, that and not being overweight—and walking barefoot maybe. She was the picture of health and innocence. Possibly even the Garden of Eden, considering the verdant colours and the bird life. 

The clouds, the sunshine and the sky, always different outside of the city limits.

“Oh, I don’t know. Just people.”

“Male or female?”

“Both, I should think. Guests are allowed to have guests, although there’s a limit of eight per cabin, if people are staying overnight.” That was due to fire regulations, and in his experience, people who might not otherwise have been able to afford it—it was quite expensive compared to regular camping holidays, so people put together a party of like-minded people and split on the cost of accommodation. “They have to register, which means showing proper identification. If there’s one speck of trouble, I throw people out and they never get in here again.”

That seemed pretty firm.

Finally Maintenon spoke.

“We would like to speak to the maid—the one that discovered the body, anyone who might have gone in there for any reason. I mean the staff, of course.”

“But of course, ah, Inspector.”


(End of excerpt.) 



Part One.



Tuesday, May 10, 2016

The Naked Lunch.

Jeff Bezos by Steve Jurvetson, (Wiki.)



The Evil Dr. Emile Schmitt-Rottluff.

Guest Blogger.




The great thing about the tech industry was the corporate culture.

Bibbles Inc., a two month-old start-up in the child-sharing industry, had everything from day-care, a spa, a gym, even a basketball court on the widely-treed grassy swath out behind the building. They’d raised ten million in the first round and twenty-five in the second.

The cafeteria was served by an award-winning chef with a crew of a dozen assistants. Meals were free, and the monthly staff meetings were a lot of fun.

It was a real opportunity for staff to bond with each other, and the company.

It was possible to take all this a little too far, of course—

For example, Thursdays and the newest mad wrinkle in internal relations.

That would be the Naked Lunch. A good number had considered quitting. Some wanted to stay home and call in sick, some seriously considered calling their attorneys. Some threatened to boycott, or eat their lunch out of a paper bag at their desks or just go outside and sit in their cars for an hour or so. 

Some would probably do it, but at least some of their jobs were well-paid and the future-promised benefits good.

Working conditions not too bad for what was known to be a pretty frenetic industry.

More than anything, they wanted to see what happened next.

***

“Oh, look, here comes Seth.” It was, the moment they had all been waiting for. “Holy, shit.”

Tom choked on his blueberry Slurpee-Latte. A good line hit him.

“Jeebus. I can see why he’s CEO.”

It was true, their shaven-headed fearless leader was hung like a Shetland pony. Maybe even the full-grown animal.

“…and why I’m still a junior accountant, in other words.”

The guy was completely hairless. While not a body-builder, he didn’t look fat either. He wasn’t skinny—more like Ghandi with a couple of good meals in him. He waved like the Queen from her golden carriage, upper arm straight out and the forearm in the vertical position.

Catching one of those burning, coal-black eyes for a tenth of a second, Tom gave a firm but polite nod. He turned away, an expression of personal autonomy—right out of Seth’s book, not that it had done him much good so far.

Hell, this ain’t my idea—but I sort of wish it was.

“Hey, you said it, buddy, not me.” Tom was fairly confident in his six and a half inches, although the fact that he’d shaved the old pubes a couple of weeks previously had been hanging over him.

On the other hand, at least he had a pretty good thatch on his chest.

The short but luxuriant growth around the bag-pipes he now sported was some consolation, as some of the older male executives had pubes that sort of overshadowed, in pepper-and-salt tones, their more important personal bits.

“Oh-my-God. Oh, my God.” Poor old Sluice sort of froze, looking out the corner of one eye.

Mouth open, Tom took a sidelong glance.

Stacey—from Public Relations.

Holy, frijoles!

Her breasts were just as perky as they had often speculated. Her puss was spit-shined, it had been shaved that close, or recently….now there was a thought. Her chin was up and she was ignoring the stares.

No doubt. And yet she was here, too.

Maybe this wasn’t so bad after all.

“Psst. Oh, fuck, here’s Robert.” Robert Pyle, their vice-president of sales and marketing.

Which really ought to have been capitalized, thought Tom.

Fuck, with that guy, it really ought to be All CAPS.

VICE PRESIDENT OF SALES AND MARKETING…!!!!!

He didn’t seem particularly well-endowed, but the ponderous big belly and the flaming face and neck did lend itself to a certain backwards-leaning dignity. Being naked meant he couldn’t wear the Armani…nor the shoes, which he made a big point of talking about. All the fricking time.

They said he was competent, though, and in fact pre-orders of their so-far, practically non-existent product, were going through the roof.

Seth was known to hand-pick the menu on a day-by-day basis, spending a bit of time on Sunday mornings with the paper and the lifestyle-slash-cooking section of the paper and figuring it out a week in advance. He must have been having an off day. Today it was Chicken-a-la-King, scalloped potatoes, cheeses, pickles, artichoke hearts, and according to their server—one of a hundred unpaid interns, fruit cocktail or rice pudding later on.

The salad was all right, the soup not so good according to Sluice.

“Ah, fuck. It’s God-damned Murray. Is he headed this way?”

“Ah, yes, I would say so.” Murray, their immediate supervisor and a royal pain in the neck, was indeed headed straight for them.

Eyebrow-less, Seth was ascending the podium, the stage, perhaps even going straight to heaven on a beam of light or something.

Murray sat down, his eyes cloudy and troubled. He would probably be leaving a wet spot when it was all said and done…he’d already brought up the subject of disinfectants, labour and other costs, privately and behind the scenes.

Thoughts of a big titter running through the audience passed through Tom's mind, but oh, well.

“Hey, guys.”

“Hey.”

Seth beamed out over the crowd.

“Thank you, thank you, ladies and gentlemen, ah, for being here today. I know things may be hard for some of you—” A brief patter of applause and laughter went through the eighteen hundred or so assembled employees.

“…but I will keep this short.” (More chuckles. The guy really was like that.)

Seth couldn’t avoid a bad pun if it killed him.

The red-head from R & D was staring at Tom from three tables over. He gave her an impulsive wink, his face reddening when he realized Ronnie, the gay guy from the training group was sitting there at table or row number two—he was simpering away like crazy, and he gave Tom a quick little finger-waggle type of wave before turning back to listen to his boss.

The really, really big boss…

Seth was beaming out over the crowd as the house lights came down and the screen lit up behind him.

So.

Apparently there was going to be some kind of announcement.

***

His strong need for adulation satisfied, Seth had launched into his speech.

“Self-power serves the progressive expansion of truth.”

People stood up and screamed.

It was always this way.

“Intuition differentiates into infinite abstract beauty.”

“Yay!” His acolytes roared, Tom and Sluice among them.

They were up on their feet.

It was always like this—Seth was just that kind of a guy.

What in the hell that was about, no one could ever clearly explain except with words like charisma and Nietzsche. And shit like that.

“Death is inherent in karmic self-knowledge.” The room went kind of wild, why, Tom couldn’t exactly say, but one had to admit it was kind of funny.

Those liquid black eyes were suddenly fixated upon him and his heart sank.

“So tell me…Thomas. What is the one great thing about our product.”

It was de rigueur to stand up and be seen at times like this. Tom had sympathized with others centred-out and put on the spot, although he’d never experienced it himself.

Yeah, they all fucking sat down now, didn’t they—

Well, good for them.

Now was his chance.

“Well. The other day, I was driving down the road. There was this young guy. He was maybe mid-twenties, thirty years old, maybe. And he had these six or seven kids out on the road—it was like a circle or a crescent, being a bit of a subdivision, I guess. He was tossing a ball to a couple of white kids—these were maybe his own boys, and there were a couple of black kids, an Asian kid. There were a couple of little girls. I couldn’t see everything, and yet I had this sort of epiphany at the time. And I sort of envied that guy.” Tom had made some choices.

Those choices led him into certain paths—and ruled out some others.

The boss listened intently, or gave the illusion of doing so.

The room was very quiet, as Seth’s eyes shone. This would be the world’s first trillion-dollar start-up with people like this on the job.

“And how did that make you feel, Tom?”

Tom heaved a deep sigh.

“Okay. Bearing in mind that I’m only twenty-four.”

They chuckled.

“…but it sort of occurred to me that I have in fact made choices. One of which was to come here—”

The room was very quiet as Seth nodded.

“I’ve never been married. I may never be married—or have an apartment, or live in a house, for all we know…I may never own a car, or have a wife or kids of my own.”

“Go on.”

“We sacrifice much to be here with you, sir—”

“Never call me sir.”

Tom plowed onwards, relentless.

“But the way I got it figured, uh, Seth.”

“Yes?”

“We need to figure out how someone can really trust someone else to borrow their kid for half an hour—oh, I know for a fact that parents will be grateful. Jesus, H. Christ, I know they will. But there’s that whole issue of trust. It’s not all online persona, we know that, sir. So many fake accounts, so many fake names and pictures. But it goes even, I don’t know, maybe a little deeper than that.”

“Hmn, I’d say you’ve, ah, definitely grasped our greatest challenge here, Tom. But I sense there’s more.”

“Yes, Seth. There is. For one. This whole thing actually works better for dogs. That whole micropayment thing will kick in, don’t you worry about that, sir. There’s going to be an abundance of demand, we all believe that. Why, just the other day, I had a friend’s dog sitting on my lap, and it was surprising how satisfying it was, to however momentarily, to have the affection of what was a pretty nice little dog, sitting on my lap. Dogs, are uncritical—I think that is the key. That goes a hundred times for a kid. Think of how warm and heavy that would be sitting in your lap—and our customers are going to go nuts.” It really spoke to something deep inside a person in his words.

Seth nodded. He turned and whispered to someone, Nathalie, his personal secretary, a bit wide in the hips but definitely attractive in the Earth-Mother way that Seth was said to favour.

“So, what are you saying, Tom.” Those sick-basterd eyes were all over him.

“What I’m saying, sir, is that I feel that self-power exists as a panoply, and an abundance of mysterious consequences. But, honestly, uh, sir,—I, uh, really really think that this could work.” Fifty cents for a half-hour with someone else’s dog—people would literally enjoy picking up the shit, putting it in a bag, and being slobbered over.

It really didn’t mean anything.

“Really.”

“Yes, and more importantly, I sort have to ask who might like to come over to my house and cook my dinner tonight—I think we really need to think about that, sir, not just as a company, but as individuals.” And how much that might sort of be worth to them.

Music came up from somewhere and drowned out any further feedback.

The same held true for kids, of course, but the risks for app-users were greater in Tom’s opinion.

Seth nodded, and a few people clapped politely, and Tom reckoned this was either grounds for dismissal, or he had just made Vice-President in Charge of Philosophical Musings, or SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

Now was the time to bob one’s head and sit down—

Either way, it was good with him. At eighty hours a week, minimum wage didn’t exactly amount to a hill of beans.

Not in this town.

He hated Seth in that moment, as two big balls of sweat rolled down his ribcage.

Other than that, the free lunch was pretty good, and the Merlot was competent enough.

It was a job, and nothing more.


END



Editors Note: fuck off, you son of a bitch.