Saturday, September 23, 2023

Lenny Lays an Egg. Louis Shalako.

Poor old Lenny...








Louis Shalako


 

“Is he prepped?” asked Doctor Rolf Ludwig, duty intern on the night shift in this busy metropolitan hospital.

“Yes, doctor,” replied Nurse Betty-Ann Genomi, a tall, brown-haired woman in her mid-forties with large, cone-shaped breasts.

Saint Athelstan’s was only a stones-throw from the police station, so they got all kinds of winners in here.

“He’s complaining about abdominal pain and the x-rays…well,” she said.

“Yeah. It’s real, all right,” he agreed, hands up in the air as he stared at the shots clipped into the light box.

“Wow,” he said.

The patient was face down, sedated but conscious. His frizzy red hair, rheumy, bloodshot blue eyes and swollen red nose bespoke a life-long love affair with the sauce. The bedclothes, steamy warm after coming out of the cubby, were pulled back to reveal the patient’s pale and globular gluteus maxima.

A nurse reached up and adjusted the light, and the rays of brilliant white reflected back up from the patient’s heinie.

“What’s your name, buddy?” asked Doctor Rolf.

“Lenny,” said the Caucasian male, who was about five-foot seven and approximately a hundred and forty-five pounds.

“How are you doing?” asked Betty-Ann, right there at his side.

She held onto Lenny’s hand with an open and sympathetic look.

“Am I going to die, doctor?” asked Lenny in a slurred manner.

“Nah,” assured the doctor. “We’ll have that nasty old thing out of there in a jiffy.”

“All righty then,” he noted. “Put a little petroleum jelly on there for me? We’re going in, ladies and gentlemen.”

A small titter went through the assembled class. This was a teaching hospital, and no opportunity was too small to pass up.

“Okay. We’re going to be doing a manual dis-impaction of what looks like a hard and compacted stool. Whether it is from compression during anal intercourse or some other cause is no concern right now.”

The doctor heard a few more gasps and giggles and he looked up for a moment.

“Pay attention,” he said. “The odds are you will have to do this sooner or later. I’m just grateful, but it doesn’t look like a light bulb, which I have also done.”

He patted the patient on the shoulder, but Lenny was pretty much out of it.

“Give me the retractor,” he muttered, and then the doctor got on with the job at hand.

“That’s strange,” he said. “Lenny?”

“Uh…yeah…?” said the patient and everyone laughed, even the doctor. “Whaddya want?”

“Well, I would kind of like to know what this is, if you have any idea,” said Doctor Rolf pleasantly.

Lenny stared wild-eyed and desperate at the floor.

“You mean you don’t know?” he gasped, and tears sprung into his eyes.

“Do you feel any pain, Lenny?” asked the Senior Nurse, Betty-Ann.

“No…?” said Lenny.

The room was silent.

“It’s not a stool,” said the doctor.

He watched on the screen as the forceps slid gently alongside the foreign object.

“It’s hard,” said Rolf. “But not too hard. It’s not metal or glass.”

Relief was apparent in his voice and what little they could see of his demeanor behind the cap and mask.

“Well, what have we got here?” he mused, pulling what looked like an ostrich egg from the long-suffering patient, one Lenny Bonsalvo.

“Was he drunk when he was brought in?” asked the doctor.

“No,” Betty-Ann shook her head. “But he admits to problems with alcohol.”

“It’s hard to believe he could swallow that, drunk or sober. I find it hard to believe he could do that, shove it so far up there,” he muttered.

"It's not a stool..."
***

“He must have had help, Doctor,” she murmured neutrally and in a non-committed tone.

“I tend to agree,” said Rolf. “Well, I guess you can’t blame the man for not wanting to talk about it too much.”

“Do me a favour, nurse?” he asked.

“Of course, what is it?” she replied.

“Clean that thing up for me. I want to show it to George. You know what! I think I’m going to show it to poor old Lenny, too.”

***

Lenny stared up from the bed in dismay.

“That thing—that thing was inside me?” he gaped.

“Yeah,” agreed Doctor Rolf. “I have to be completely honest with you, Lenny. I was sort of wondering if someone put it there. Did you have help? I am a doctor, and I’m not judging you, Lenny, but…”

“What! But what?” bellowed Lenny.

“Hey, hey, hey, calm down,” said the doctor. “I was just asking! It’s my job, you know? But I was kind of wondering if somebody did this to you? You know, like maybe as a joke, or even some kind of abusive situation—”

Lenny clambered up and out of the bed, staying on the far side from Doctor Rolf.

“Lenny, Lenny!” the doctor tried reassurance. “No one is judging you, Lenny. Honestly, I’m more curious than anything. I sort of wondered if you were in some kind of trouble.”

Lenny’s arm shot out and he pointed an accusing finger, seemingly at a loss for words.

“What’s the matter, Lenny, why are you so upset? I’m just trying to help you,” soothed Doctor Rolf.

“Ah! Ah! Ah,” screeched Lenny.

“Whoa! Simmer down,” said the doctor.

“It’s hatching! It’s hatching, that thing is hatching, doctor!” shouted Lenny, then he fell over backwards, hitting the adjacent bed and the patient in that one began screaming too.

Rolf took a quick look at the thing in the jar and his eyes almost bugged out of his head.

***

Doctors Rolf and George Malassori stared at the apparition in the jar.

They had it in a workroom off to one side of the internal medicine lab.

“What the hell?” muttered the normally soft-spoken George.

He straightened up, shaking his head in disbelief.

“It’s like a gecko, all covered in ketchup,” he marveled. “Let me get a sample of the fluid.”

“Yeah,” breathed Rolf. “It’s like a baby alligator or something. This is amazing…just nuts.”

“I won’t contradict an expert,” noted Doctor Malassori. “You’ve just made medical history, incidentally.”

“Huh,” said Rolf. “Lenny did. Not me.”

Malassori laughed in agreement.

“Can’t say as I blame you,” he said.

"Don't worry, gentlemen. Just another object up the bum."
***

Rolf had other emergencies, and the usual rounds, and he was asleep behind his computer when screams and thumps awoke him with a distinct nervous shock. You could read about adrenalin, and you could dissect the human body, and you could listen to witnesses. But this was real adrenalin and he had no objectivity.

The doctor ran sliding out into the hallway, to be confronted by a small wave of green-clad nurses and screaming people.

They almost bowled him over as he hurriedly stepped back into the room. He reached out and tried to grab an arm as they sped past.

“Nurse!” he yelled but she gave him a frightened glance and just kept going, looking back nervously and sobbing.

“What’s going on?” he asked, but she was clearly hysterical.

She spurted off again, shaking her head and moaning incoherently. Rolf thought about declaring a lockdown. His heart pounded in a moment of indecision. He needed more information.

As Doctor Rolf rounded the corner at a dead run, he ran smack into a hellish scene, the likes of which he would never forget for the rest of his life. Their floor security, Mister Nicholby, lay dead on the floor with his chest torn open and a black cavity exposed, and a thick trail of blood smeared in a path along the floor.

Nurse Betty-Ann had the gun up and was drawing a careful bead.

The sound of a shot, quickly followed by another, was shockingly loud in the now-quiet corridor.

The doctor flinched and covered his head, as a little fall of dust came down from the ceiling tiles.

Rolf stood there, open-mouthed, taking in the bizarre scene.

“Got the little bastard,” she said, looking calmly into Rolf’s eyes and blowing smoke from the end of the barrel.

“Nurse…?”

Doctor Rolf swallowed. His unbelieving eyes found a huddled, dirty dishrag-like form up the hallway.

“What the hell is going on around here?” he asked in shock. “What—”

The strident call of the overhead speakers broke into his state of mental inertia.

“Doctor Ludwig to emergency, Doctor Ludwig to emergency,” he heard, in a kind of relief.

Finally, something he could understand. Something that made sense. He was tempted to give his head a shake, or pinch himself or something.

He stepped over to the nursing station, reached over and grabbed a phone. Awkwardly, he put in the number, making sure to get it right first time. His hands were shaking.

“Yes? Doctor Ludwig here,” he reported. “What have you got?”

“Please get down here right away, Doctor Ludwig,” came the breathless voice of Nurse Helga Slovodnik. “We have another Lenny. Doctor George thinks we may have another one of those things.”


END


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Wednesday, September 20, 2023

Grey Poupon, a short story. Louis Shalako.

"Would you have a little Grey Poupon, my good fellow...???



Louis Shalako




Derek Kane watched the view plate as the unidentified ship made a quick corkscrew turn to port/x-negative pitch/y-zero yaw and headed his way.

The ship’s alarm had alerted him to its presence, but there weren’t too many people out there and the maneuver was immediately suspicious.

There was a signal coming in, fairly strong but the machine language didn’t match. The computer was looking for software to decode it and he would have to wait.

The voice didn’t seem strident or unfriendly. The tonal register was similar to human, and his impression was of polite inquiry—but assumptions about alien mores and cultural norms, courtesies and polite forms of address varied considerably from region to region.

For no good reason he did up the lap belt but left the others. Now a picture came up. A being sat in a flight chair, with no helmet on, so that was good. He waved in what Derek interpreted as a cheerful fashion.

The fellow had two slits where his nose should have been, and the slightly orange tint to his skin revealed him to be from a white-dwarf planetary system. Two eyes and a mouth, that was helpful. The real eebie-jeebies were harder to talk to. He looked lightly built as well, and that was one of the hallmarks of inhabitants who had evolved on the small, lower-mass planets that were often found there. If he wanted to come aboard, that would be a bit of a giveaway.

There was a beep from the console.

“Got it.”

“Take your time.”

“Running translation. One moment please.”

“Put his voice up on real time when you crack it.”

“Roger.”

He might as well give the other ship’s computer a little lead time on their own translation, assuming they needed one. He keyed the microphone.

“Hello. I’m Derek Kane, skipper of the Hornet. Over.”

Let them work on that for a while, as the other skipper’s face lit up and he leaned forward to make some kind of an input.

His own bridge speakers crackled and then it came in.

“Excuse me, my good fellow. Do you speak English?”

“Yes. Go ahead.”

“I do so hate to trouble you.”

“No, you’re quite welcome, go ahead.” He was getting curious.

The being held up what looked like a half-metre long hoagie, or perhaps a Ruben sandwich made out of something like the cultural equivalent of a baguette, with slices of pinkish mottled reel-meet and green leafy stuff hanging out all along it…maybe even what looked like some kind of alien cheese.

“Do you have any Grey Poupon?”

So that’s what it was all about. The idiot just wanted some mustard.


END


This story is included in Engines of Creation, a collection of stories long and short by Louis Shalako. You can find theaudiobook here on Google Play.

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