Friday, December 15, 2023

My Criminal Memoir, Part Twenty-Three. Armed Robbery and the Potential For Violence. Louis Shalako.

Stan (left), has a plan.

 








Louis Shalako


Armed robbery and the potential for violence. Fast forward to the early to mid-nineties. McNuggets, who considers himself to be a criminal mastermind, and Buddy Two-Shoes, an equal partner a lot of the time—well. He has some kind of a brainstorm.

It may have been chance, coincidence, a careless remark by a buddy, or a fellow-traveller. He got the idea from somewhere.

They had a friend, one who drove the mail trucks. That friend may have been the sort of person who had a good job, liked to smoke a bit of pot, and when the day came, they might have had a little hit on that good old crack pipe, right. And it’s pretty insidious stuff. Back in the good old days, the vast majority of Canadians received their unemployment cheques my mail. They got their old age pensions, by mail. They got their tax returns, disability pensions, fucking welfare cheques, all sorts of federal and provincial benefits by mail. People paid their bills by mail—we tend to forget that stuff now that it’s all electronic and we live in the 21st century. We pay our bills with a couple of clicks on a mouse these days…

However.

That must have been what got them thinking. This is pretty serious stuff, but what if? What if, we could grab the whole fucking truck, full of sacks of mail, on just the right day, and what if there were hundreds, possibly thousands of cheques in those mailbags.

I mean, it’s a pretty big town right, and cheque day rolls around once a month.

What then?

What then, eh?

One has to wonder how much thought they actually put into this crime. One has to wonder, just what they planned to do next, for surely that is the really crucial part of the operation. What would be the point of grabbing a shit-load of cheques, if you don’t have any sort of a plan, in terms of how you’re going to turn all that paper into cold, hard cash. And you have to do it quick. There’s only so much time to do it. Were they going to go all over Ontario, cashing those stolen cheques?

How?

Your buddy down at the auto leasing place must be getting pretty warm by now himself.

That being said, these guys were known for fraud, stolen credit and debit cards, impersonating a card-holder and making purchases, and they probably did have at least a few ideas I am sure. What if they also, had a friend in the bank, or some other ideas on that score…maybe you could just sell a bunch of cheques to a much larger player. Laundering cash is one thing, cheques are another, and especially a big whack of personal, individual, government cheques.

I never heard much about that, but I wasn’t really hanging around with them all that much at the time. I heard some things at second hand—the fact that they were in jail, for example. Understandably, they didn’t want to talk much about it afterwards, and it’s not all that easy to press for such information…

There are certain questions you just don’t ask.

Like, what in the hell were you thinking—

So, with the cooperation of the driver, an employee of Canada Post, with some knowledge of the inner workings of the postal system, one of them, most likely McNuggets, cooked up some semblance of a plan.

Almost any criminal can be dangerous. These guys were not normally known for violence, but this was a big heist, at least in their own minds. McNuggets was not banned in the U.S., and so he went over the river to a gun shop and got himself an electric stun-gun. Not so much a gun, it more closely resembled an electric cattle prod, although it would absolutely put a man down, rather than just giving a 1200-pound cow a little buzz on the ass…I do recall him showing me, which shows that they must have (or I must have), been coming and going still. He even offered to let my try it, an opportunity which I politely declined. No, thanks—I’ll take your word for it. He smuggled that back over the river. There was some contact, in that they still sold me a bit of pot once in a while, although my cocaine days were either gone or going very, very soon now—

Yeah, what would happen if McNuggets, or Buddy Two-Shoes, or Zoomer, opened up a vehicle looking for a wallet, and found a firearm in there…what then.

Promise you will never tell. Thief's honour...

This is what I mean—sort of, when I say these guys, low-level punks that they were, could also be dangerous, not just to other people but to themselves as well. One thing led to another, in a logical progression of events. And a hot firearm can always be sold, for a little cash, to someone who might be even stupider, or maybe even just crazier, than you are. Selling someone a hot firearm, and they go off and use it somewhere, is that a whole lot different than the person who is just helping out a friend to find a vein, and pressing the plunger on that syringe, in all innocence, which results in the death, not of an enemy, but a friend—what then.

What then? The same holds true for a cheap taser bought in a pawn shop or whatever in a little town across the river, and no plan is completely foolproof.

Anyhow, the basic plan was pretty simple. Their postal driver friend was to pick up a load of mailbags, wherever that might have been. I’m thinking London or Toronto, some postal sorting facility in Mississauga, considering the load, and then bring it back to town, where these guys would be waiting at a certain time, at a certain corner. Their friend would have to stop at the stop sign, and then they’d leap out, pull open the door, climb in…and take him hostage, what with having a taser weapon and all.

A big sack of cheques, right...

They had a story all cooked up for the guy, and all that person had to do was to stick to it. This would be all the more convincing, if they were actually injured, when you think on it.

Now, this guy (or girl, which is barely possible), must have wondered. But they were to go somewhere out in the country. Tie them up, gagged and blindfolded, steal the truck and dump him or her out into the road…

There was no guarantee that they weren’t going to get zapped with that taser. There was no real guarantee of success, there was no real guarantee of the proceeds of the crime being properly distributed, in any sort of equitable manner, and the truth is, they got cold feet.

Where in the fuck are you going to hide a Canada Post truck for any length of time.

These guys were bound to get caught, one way or another. They just didn’t see that.

The reader or listener may be able to guess what happens next. The cops had been tipped off. The boys were waiting, and their friend pulls up to the exact spot, right on schedule.

It must have seemed like they had it made. All the cops had to do was to remain in concealment, all they had to do was to wait, to pounce, and to catch them red-handed.

Which is exactly what they did.

It’s a funny thing about McNuggets, who had his pride. He was never caught in the commission of a crime. No, ladies and gentlemen, he was always betrayed. He was always ratted off by a friend.

This is one of the things that made him dangerous. He couldn’t accept that he had simply bitten off more than he could chew.

He didn’t take into account that that other guy had a wife, a kid, a home, and a good job, and he’d just been talking in his cups, as the saying goes. That other guy wasn’t prepared to do hard time for him, in spite of the criminal code of honour, or whatever ludicrous ethical and values system one subscribed to—

It never occurred to him that the other guy had no reason to trust either one of them, or that they wouldn’t, in fact, taser him, take all the money, and if he didn’t like it, he could go fuck himself.

What’s he going to do now? Call the cops and confess to a federal crime?

Enough to put a man down...

Interestingly, McNuggets was the only guy I ever heard of who waived bail. That might have been smart, start early on your sentence and just get it over with. He’s the only guy I know that entered a plea and headed off to the penitentiary, where at least they had a library, recreation facilities, and the opportunity to learn some kind of a trade…poor old Buddy Two-Shoes, in a separate trial, didn’t stand much of a chance once his accomplice had copped a plea. McNuggets did four years and Buddy, two and a half, one must assume he made some kind of a statement of fact. McNuggets was the only guy I know, who literally showed me a set of lock-picks. McNuggets was the only guy I know who bought some kind of plastic card-printer or embosser, paying a couple of grand for that off of Ebay. What was he thinking of? And McNuggets, as you may recall, had that grow-op in his basement, which he showed to anybody who came by the house, but only after swearing them to an oath of secrecy…McNuggets waived parole.

When he was out, he was out. He didn’t owe anybody anything. There were no conditions, once he’d served his sentence and allegedly, paid his debt to society.

As for Two-Shoes. Maybe he caught the benefit of the fact that his buddy had a worse, or maybe even just a longer, record. A record as long as your arm—how often have we heard the expression?

Hell, maybe McNuggets just had longer arms.

He told me an interesting story. When he was really young, and fearless, he’d broken into a home. He’d hit the jackpot—he’s found a stash of weapons. Jamming them all into a pillowcase, having read a book or two on burglars, safe-crackers and the like, he got the hell out of there.

It didn’t take too long before he realized he couldn’t take them home. He said he’d taken them ‘out in the woods’ and buried them. When he went back some time later, he did find them, but they were all rusty and he still didn’t really know what to do with them. One wonders what to make of a story like that, or what eventually happened to those weapons.

This might also account for some of that paranoia, when I was talking about writing about small town criminals.

As for Zoomer, there was a story where a couple of cops grabbed him off the street one day. They did not take him downtown. They took him to some empty apartment in the south end of town and tied him up in a chair…they beat the living fuck out of good old Zoomer, and considering the person, one wonders what exactly they hoped to achieve.

You’re not likely to reform a guy like that.

The story goes, that he had stolen a cop’s hat out of a vehicle.

A fucking hat, really?

So, there is such a thing as honour, there is such a thing as humiliation, wounded pride and the like.

One wonders if there was also a weapon, a handgun, of official issue or otherwise, and whether such a weapon had ever been recovered.

Pure speculation on my part, but it is what it is, ladies and gentlemen.

God knows there’s enough weapons out there.

Looks like he scored.

***

It has been said that the average person can unknowingly walk past 36 murderers in their lifetime. Think about the stranger who you brushed shoulders with on the bus, the person standing in front of you in line to grab a coffee or the passenger who sat down next to you on a plane. – New York Post.


END


Poor old Louis Shalako has books and stories available from iTunes.

See his art on Fine Art America.

Check out One Million Words of Crap, an audio essay on independent, digital publishing, in celebration of fourteen years here at Long Cool One Books.

 

My Criminal Memoir. (Part One).

My Criminal Memoir, Part Two.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Three.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Four.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Five.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Six.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Seven.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Eight.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Nine.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Ten.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Eleven.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Twelve. (Access restricted due to content. 18+)

My Criminal Memoir, Part Thirteen.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Fourteen.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Fifteen.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Sixteen.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Seventeen.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Eighteen.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Nineteen. 

My Criminal Memoir, Part Twenty.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Twenty-One

My Criminal Memoir, Part Twenty-Two.

 

Thank you for reading, and listening.

 

 



Wednesday, December 13, 2023

My Criminal Memoir, Part Twenty-Two. Dee. Louis Shalako.

She's all growed up now.













Louis Shalako



Dee. Some years had passed and Dee had grown into a beautiful young woman. In some sense, she was a statistically-average 20 year-old, but then I don’t particularly need humongous breasts, the massive backside which seems to be a fashion in certain circles these days. She was well-formed, with all the bits and pieces in all the right places…the sort of girl who really should have been painted on the nose of a B-17 bomber.

After seven years together, the relationship between my girlfriend and I had ended.

I have to accept full responsibility for that, admittedly, I was suffering from some pretty bad depression after my big failure in journalism. My girlfriend had a really good job, I was dead broke, and what was almost worse, there was some pressure to marry. Willy told me. He told me I had six months to propose, or she was probably going to walk anyways. His wife and my girlfriend, were very good friends. The information was credible enough.

Truth is, I broke off with her, and to say that my depression got even worse, and went on and on and on, with no relief in sight, would be nothing more than the truth—

So, when Zoomer finally got caught, and sent away, I was both single and at something of a loose end.

A guy like Zoomer, once he’s got a charge or two against him, he’s out on bail. If he fails to attend court, that’s another charge. If he evades the police, that’s another charge, if they get him on camera shoplifting, that’s another charge. When they finally do catch up to him, he’s got a long list of charges. Some of that goes away with a plea agreement, even so, he’s looking at some time in the bucket—and the local jail isn’t really meant for long terms of incarceration, with no provision for recreation, no provision for education, not even remedial reading, let alone a trade. Once he’s been sentenced, he’s likely to be assigned to a provincial (or federal), institution somewhere a little further down the road. This time he ended up in the Elgin-Middlesex Detention Centre, located in southwest London, Ontario.

When Dee asked me to drive her up to London so she could visit her boyfriend in jail, I probably hesitated a bit, but she was buying gas—maybe a cheeseburger and fries if I was lucky, and we probably did have a joint or two for the ride.

***

There I was, with a sweet-smelling young woman on the seat beside me. It’s a good hour’s drive up to London. She’s not overweight. She’s not all skinny and scrawny…she had nice knees, thick, dark brown hair, brown eyes and good shoulders. She was never heavy on the makeup, her nails were never big, long, painted claws. She’d never needed it, I suppose. She was exactly perfect just the way she was, and this is an assessment from forty years later—well, there’s no accounting for taste, as they say. Assuming four or so years younger than either Zoom or I, she would be twenty-two or twenty-three years old.

While her history was well known to me, what with being Zoom’s criminal accomplice, in all so many things, it was like the girl next door, wholesome and healthy. But she had the driver’s license, grandma’s car, she could get over the river into the U.S. where Zoom was banned. Her and a girlfriend could go over the river and come back with a couple of 60-oz bottles, a carton of cheap smokes and somehow stuff all that into their rather oversized purses.

Perfect, and yet one had to wonder what went on in her head…and mine.

Good enough to eat.

Yeah, if only I had the nerve.

We have to talk about something. She hadn’t finished high school, she had no real education, and as far as I could determine, no real ideas of her own. She seemed bright enough, and at some point we’re at the gate. We’re parking the car, pushing a button and gaining admittance to the public area of what is a maximum-security prison.

It’s pretty easy to get an idea. It’s pretty easy to get a bit of a crush, what with being lonely, as well as physically healthy. Truth is, I was as horny as a ten-peckered Billy goat, and I probably spent a little too much time thinking about the significance.

Truth is, she just needed a ride, no one else was available—or that dumb, yet Zoom seemed glad enough to see me as well as her—otherwise, he might not have seen her at all. Probably, her grandma would not allow her to take the vehicle for hours at a time, not to another town a hundred kilometres away, and most especially, not to visit Zoom in jail.

It was me or nothing, probably.

There it is, the Middlesex-Elgin Detention Centre.

And of course, I got this horrible crush on her.

It was sappy enough, as such things often are. But with me, she wouldn’t have to steal, or so I told myself. With me, she wouldn’t have to worry about me cheating on her, with me, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Yeah, ladies and gentlemen, with me, she wouldn’t have to worry about coming down HIV positive due to dirty needles and a lifelong amphetamine habit, which was one reason guys like Zoom don’t want to go to jail in the first place.

All they want, is to keep going—they’re never going to quit, and they’re usually the first ones to admit it.

As for your girlfriend, Zoom, quite frankly, she could do better. Maybe even a lot better.

Alas, it was not to be.

***

This went on for some weeks, visiting Zoom once a week or so. At some point it’s like Stockholm syndrome, where you’re sort of captive, and yet dependent. It was better than being alone all the time, and of course I had my thoughts. Which were predictable enough.

One night she called me up. Asked me what I was doing, and I said nothing much. She said she’d stop by and smoke a joint with me. I was grateful enough, what with being out of work six months in a row. There might have been a bit of a recession going on, or maybe I had just lost all confidence…

Depression will do a lot of funny things to an otherwise sensible person.

She pulled into the driveway, on a warm summer evening. We sat on lawn chairs in the door of my old man’s garage, and she pulled out a big joint and lit it up. She told me she was going out with one of her girlfriends and wondered if I wanted to come along—I shrugged, saying I was broke and she didn’t exactly insist.

Dee was wearing a pair of thin, short shorts in some floral pattern, with a bit of lace around the legs. She had brown leather sandals on, and she had good feet. Her top was thin, stretchy cotton, not exposing the midriff but not meant to be tucked in, either. She smelled good and the smile was good. Fuck, she hung around for fifteen or twenty minutes and then off she went, presumably to have a good time.

It’s a good way to remember her. Young, healthy, and cuter than the belly-button on a tsetse-fly, as my old man used to say.

It was also one hell of a signal, or so I remember thinking. The only question was what to make of it.

In the end, all I made was a big mess, and if nothing else, embarrassed the hell out of me, and probably, her too.

***

Speaking purely objectively, I knew what love was—and love lost. I also knew what sex was, and I’m thinking that might have been part of the problem. There was nothing wrong with my imagination, ladies and gentlemen. There was nothing objective about this situation, it was all subjective.

Somehow I knew her birthday was coming up, maybe a week or two before mine. Here I am, a pretty nice guy by almost any standard, and I have no idea of how to go about it.

Somewhere I scraped up a ball or two and decided to do something about it, come hell or high water, and let the chips fall where they may. Just to put that in its proper perspective, I’m trying to fuck my buddy’s girlfriend, while he’s in jail, and who knows where that might go, if only a man was lucky enough—

She was definitely worth a gamble.

One way or another, the situation must be resolved.

***

This one was worth a gamble...

So, firing up the Wayback machine here, setting the time and the date, circa 1985 or ’86 or so, pulling the big red handle, the wheels go round and round…I must have had some money. I don’t see how I could have done it otherwise.

Let’s say it was payday and I was working at Central Cab. I had a few connections of my own. I bought a gram of cocaine. I bought a 40-oz bottle of Wiser’s Canadian Rye Whiskey. I had a quarter bag of pot…I had a little bit of this and a little bit of that.

I scraped up the nerve and dialled the phone. After a few rings, she picked up…my heart sank. By the sounds of things, the party had already broken out over at her place…I asked her if she wanted to get together, what with it being her birthday and all.

She laughed over the phone.

‘Oh, Louis,’ she says. Oh, Louis.

Yeah, I’m a nice guy and everything—oh, well.

That night, I came very close to shooting myself, right in the head.

I didn’t, but I came awful close. I still had her on the phone. She was distracted by stuff happening at her end. I wanted her to hear the shot…

Bang. I let the phone drop to the floor.

I could still hear her laughing…finally, I pushed the button and hung up.

If that didn’t put things into perspective, I don’t know what will, as the saying goes.

There’s not a whole hell of a lot more to add.

Don't try this at home, kiddies.

All I can really say, is that a .22-calibre short, fired from a Cooey bolt-action sporting rifle, will go through ten or eleven paperbacks, and lodge, slightly misshapen, in the twelfth paperback. Don’t try that at home in your bedroom, kids…

That would have made real mess of my head, wouldn’t it. Not that it wasn’t pretty messed up at the time.

Right?

***

I was at a gas bar downtown a few years ago, and some woman in the checkout line was talking to me. I had no idea of who it was, I didn’t recognize her until she started talking about my old man—she’d seen the obituary, and she called him Big Frank.

Yeah, she was real sad to see him go.

It was her.

She was dying her hair, but then all women of a certain age are dying their hair.

She had dentures, at least on the uppers…it was winter, but she seemed a bit scrawny to me, frail, maybe.

She was like real glad to see me, and for the life of me, I could not think of one damned intelligent thing to say.

I couldn’t even think of anything stupid to say, which is definitely not like me—I’m usually pretty good at that sort of thing.

But.

To think I almost killed myself over that girl.

Fuck.

 

END

 

Louis has books and stories available from Everand, a new ebook and audiobook platform.

See his art on Fine Art America.

Check out One Million Words of Crap, an audio essay on independent, digital publishing, in celebration of fourteen years here at Long Cool One Books.


My Criminal Memoir. (Part One).

My Criminal Memoir, Part Two.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Three.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Four.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Five.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Six.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Seven.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Eight.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Nine.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Ten.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Eleven.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Twelve. (Access restricted due to content. 18+)

My Criminal Memoir, Part Thirteen.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Fourteen.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Fifteen.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Sixteen.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Seventeen.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Eighteen.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Nineteen. 

My Criminal Memoir, Part Twenty.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Twenty-One


Thank you for reading, and listening.


Monday, December 11, 2023

My Criminal Memoir, Part Twenty-One. Joe, and Strip Bars. Louis Shalako.

A plastic boat, but at least it went where you pointed it...











Louis Shalako




Joe, and strip bars. Joe was a typical example of the low-level drug dealer. He had a job. He had a few connections, to the extent that he always had dope, one way or another. He ended up marrying my girlfriend’s older sister, in a ceremony held right here in Sarnia, although the couple lived in Guelph.

They’d already had a baby, I have to admit, the kid was pretty cute…

She clearly took after her mother, and not Joe—

The first time I ever took the train, and went up to Guelph to visit my girlfriend, Joe had left us a bit of pot. The girls were going to university, sharing an apartment, and since he had a place of his own, we had the place to ourselves.

Joe had a Hungarian accent. It’s an interesting story, just how he came to Canada. In Hungary, part of the Eastern Bloc back then, they had compulsory military service. Joe and another 18 year-old ended up guarding the border. They weren’t so much trying to keep people out, but trying to keep their own people in. They were supposed to walk up and down, rifles on their shoulders, and at some point, a corporal came along to check on them. They were standing there, smoking and chatting and the guy gave them proper shit.

When he went away again, they figured they had more of that coming when their shift was over.

This is when they got the bright idea, what with being young and all, to drop the weapons, to take their fates in their own hands—and to start walking west.

***

Joe had pot, three or four different kinds. He was the guy who had ‘beans’, dropping one or two to dissolve in his coffee, first thing in the morning, before heading off to work. He worked at Rockwell International, assembling power tools and the like on piecework. I’m not sure if these were genuine speed, (amphetamines), or something similar like Benzedrine sulphate or ephedrine sulfate, or whatever. It sounds strange, but in places like Ohio, you could buy them at any truck stop—over the counter, big plastic jars at roughly $20.00 per thousand. These were compound pills, a bit of this, a bit of caffeine, a bit of something else to keep you going through the long hours of the night…

(Benzedrine was a brand name for amphetamine sulfate. It was used to treat many different conditions from the early 1930s to the 1970s. Misuse of the drug eventually led to a major decrease in production and tighter control of the drug by 1971. Today, amphetamine is used to treat ADHD, narcolepsy, and obesity. – ed.)

Okay, thanks, Ed. Reading that, we probably all did speed in one form or another, although I’ve never injected anything—that was probably for the best, looking back, ah, through the mists of time and all.

So.

He had five-gram vials of weed and hash oil, he had hash occasionally. In the late seventies and early eighties, cocaine and all of that lay some ways in the future, one must assume—none of us were doing it at the time, as far as I know. Sisters being sisters, and buddies being buddies, we visited back and forth.

Speed tablets, by any other name, in one size, shape or another...

And so it was, that we found ourselves sleeping in a spare room, in the summer of about 1979.

Joe left the plant for an hour at lunch time. He phoned home, and picked me up—we’re already burning daylight as far as lunch hour goes, but the plant was nearby and so was our destination. I recall that it was the Manor. A well-known strip bar in Guelph at that time, and an oversexed individual like Joe knew it well.

This was my first time at a strip bar, and of course, Joe had to burn a joint in the car on the way there. We stepped out for another, just outside a rear entrance, and in between him buying lap dances and one for me too, incidentally, as my birthday was coming up…this is where he told me that he whacked off once a week, just to maintain his independence, as he put it.

And of course, he has to get back to work, in which case we burn another joint on the way back. This is the guy who worked two blocks from home. At some point, some guy he knew sold him a case of small bottles of laughing gas—and as a friend, one wonders just how far all of this shit is going to go. He’s literally zipping home on his fifteen minute coffee breaks, just to have a little sip of that gas bottle and get high before going back to work. I suppose it’s no wonder that the marriage didn’t last all that long, and before long, she was single, back home in Sarnia and with the little kid and all.

It struck me that Sarnia had three or four strip bars, and I hadn’t been in any one of them—a situation that would surely be rectified before long.

As for Joe, those manufacturing jobs, small factories in small towns at least here in southern Ontario, are a thing of the past. At that time, Guelph was not much larger than Sarnia, if at all, and the biggest thing it had going for it was the university, a bit of history and a kind of hilly terrain, which I liked as where I live, it’s mostly flat.

***

The bunch of us had gone camping one summer, up at Cypress Lake on the Bruce Peninsula. Willy and his wife, Joe and his wife, and my girlfriend and I. I had brought up a little sailboat, a fucking Sunfish, about ten feet long and with a lateen sail. Willy had his wood and canvas kayak, he and the wife going off to the other side of the lake to fuck in the bushes and all of that sort of a thing, and Joe and his wife had borrowed what was, after all, a pretty shitty little boat. It was more for kids, a fun day at the beach, than any real serious sailboat. It was a plastic boat, and I at least had life jackets.

We’d been drinking wine, smoking pot, popping pills, cooking bacon and eggs, hamburgers and hot-dogs on an open fire. Shooting the shit and talking a lot of nonsense. We were lucky, in that the weather was cooperating—more or less. We had boots and parkas, and we had cut-off jean shorts and tee-shirts. We had the weekend to party.

I reckon my mother bought that little plastic boat for about ninety-nine dollars on sale, put it on layaway at the department store toy department, and presented it to us all on Christmas morning, which is the way such things were done back then…

I’ll be honest with you, ladies and gentlemen, all they really did, insofar as boating is concerned, was to go across to the other side of the lake and fuck in the bushes.

I think it’s safe to say Joe was inspired by that little boat. The possibilities were endless, although not quite infinite.

***

I have no idea of what that crazy Hungarian bastard was thinking—but the next time we went up to visit, he’d bought this horrible old contraption. To call it a boat would be to insult a hundred thousand years of boat evolution. This thing was a wedge-shaped slab, made of a couple of sheets of three-quarters inch plywood, a big block of white Styrofoam, a two-by-four for a mast, and a fucking white bedsheet for a sail…

Let me back up a bit.

Okay, we’re staying the weekend, my lovely girlfriend and I, she and the sister are going off somewhere and Joe and I are going down the road in his Austin Marina, and he’s teaching me how it’s possible to drive, and to roll a joint at the same time, what with holding the wheel with his left knee and balancing a small rolling tray, dope, papers, scissors and a roach clip on his lap while doing so.

All the while, talking away in the high-pitched accent that only foreign people can do so convincingly…

Rolling a joint while we go down the road. 

So, this fucking alleged boat has brackets. On the brackets, is a bench-like thingy.  The one and only seat is behind the boat, to the extent you have to reach between your knees to hold the tiller, which is set into door hinges for pivots. There is no safety clip, and the thing keeps floating up and out of the hinges, making the boat uncontrollable…the actual rudder is cut from plywood, but even plywood has a grain, and this guy has cut it ninety degrees all wrong. Try and turn the boat, the rudder just bends. Joe had been just plain crazy enough to sign up for a membership at a little ‘yacht’ club located on Guelph Lake, basically just a flood control reservoir on the Speed River upstream from the city. These were not yachts, they were dinghies, all of them better than this piece of shit.

This is where I caught my first glimpse of that fucking shit-shingle of a so-called boat of his. Neither one of us had life-jackets; what we did have was a six-pack of strong beer and a cigarette pack, each of us, with a few doobs. Fuck. What are you supposed to do. Here’s a funny thing. If your boat is shaped like a wedge of cheese, then the front of the boat has essentially no flotation. Also, any proper sailboat has a keel. Whether it’s a dagger-board, or a drop keel, or a fixed keel, some kind of keel is essential to keep the boat from just drifting sideways in the wind. A proper rudder and keel are also essential, this is especially true if you are hoping to tack into the wind—for example getting back to the club on Guelph Lake.

The wind was at our back as we drifted downwind across that little lake.

The flat deck of that boat was absolutely level with the mean surface of the water, with the two of us aboard—whatever teeny-tiny little waves the gentle breeze was raising actually broke across the desk and passed over our bare feet unimpeded; but by this time there was no going back…

We ended up in the right arm of the lake, unable to maneuver our shit-shingle.

The boat could not be maneuvered. The boat could not be steered, the boat was fucking useless, the boat was driftwood on the wind and the waves. We’re getting farther and farther away from the club, at first it’s okay as we’re sipping cold beers and burning a joint, smoking cigarettes and sort of celebrating being men, somewhat stupid for all of that, but men, after all—

Once we’ve run out of room in what is a pretty small lake, on the downwind end of things, Joe turns her around and begins to tack into the wind, only problem is, she just ain’t going to go. We’re in a constricted arm of the lake, there are narrows, and this is there the headwinds are strongest. This thing ain’t ever going to tack into the wind, and this is about where I abandoned ship, dove overboard, and swam ashore.

Come what may, almost anything was better than this, and I have to admit, there were still a couple of cold beers in a box screwed to the deck just at the base of the mast.

***

This is what happens when a stoner, but also some kind of an idiot, buys a boat.

This is what you get when you spend half a bag of pot on a boat…

When I opened my eyes, the water was green. I had maybe seventy-five, a hundred metres of algae-ridden shit ahead of me, and then, dry land. I got to a patch or band of real seaweed, tangled green shitty stuff that clung all over me, and then, having fought my way through it, I waded up the bank through the weeds and the long grass and found myself barefoot beside what passed for a highway back at that time.

I’m sure all you readers and listeners have a pretty good idea of what roadside gravel looks like, and I walked in the hot sun, slowly drying, along the highway for a couple of kilometres. Luckily, I had a head for navigation, looking at the map, there are side-roads off to one side, and then there is the club at the end of another long gravel stretch.

At this point, I pulled out my smoke-pack, laid my lighter, a few joints, and a few damp cigarettes out on a rock in the wan sunlight, and waited for that crazy Hungarian bastard, who took forever to get out of the mouth of that little bay, work his way back five or six hundred metres, the sun falling towards the horizon and the wind eventually dying off in the fading light of late evening.

I still miss that shirt, it had two large upper pockets and Velcro fasteners…just a minor point, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah. Joe was pissed off at me, but there was no way that fucking shit-shingle of a boat would have ever gotten the two of us back across that lake. My feet didn’t hurt too much, and it had taken him so long, we managed to get a joint to burn, and I have to admit, I bummed one or two of his smokes on the way home, which was a fairly quiet trip after all that fresh air, hot sun and wind and surf on the face.

 

END



He's got an audiobook, Speak Softly My Love, on iTunes. 

Poor old Louis Shalako has books and stories available from iTunes.

See his art on Art Pal.

Grab yourself a free copy of One Million Words of Crap, available from Google Play.


My Criminal Memoir. (Part One).

My Criminal Memoir, Part Two.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Three.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Four.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Five.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Six.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Seven.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Eight.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Nine.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Ten.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Eleven.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Twelve. (Access restricted due to content. 18+)

My Criminal Memoir, Part Thirteen.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Fourteen.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Fifteen.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Sixteen.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Seventeen.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Eighteen.

My Criminal Memoir, Part Nineteen. 

My Criminal Memoir, Part Twenty.


Thank you for reading, and listening.