Signs of Aging.

'Snobserver,' Wiki Commons.

You know you’re getting old when you wake up one day and you have no hair on your feet. One of the very first signs of aging is when you come home and find fifty pink flamingoes on your lawn, and you’re not even Italian. When you go to write a singles ad, and all you can come up with is, “Man with no future seeks woman with no past.”

You are old.

When you need a pill to get it up; and your biggest worry is, ‘uncontrolled priapism that lasts more than four hours.’

What are you so worried about? Word gets around, and sooner or later they’ll be beating a path to your door.

Oh, God, you know you’re getting old when attractive women start to call you sir.

When your buddy asks: “Are you up for it?”

And you just say, “No!”

When you engage telemarketers in idle conversation, you’re getting old. You know you’re getting old when beer just makes you sleepy and you can’t stand your own music.

You’re getting old when you try to get out at least once a week—as long as it’s free.

(If there’s free coffee and donuts, you invite a friend.)

You’re getting old when you have a few beers and all you can do is complain about peeing. When pudgy forty-five year olds start to look good, you’re old. You know you’re getting old when the doctor has to tell you to whack off once a day, and you keep coming up with excuses: “If my wife catches me, she’ll say, ‘if you have so much energy why won’t you help me paint the dining room?’”

Yes, when the doctor tells you, “The left hand is a stranger,” your doctor is also getting old and just a little creepy, too.

Buddy, you’re getting old when you need your reading glasses to roll a joint and when you make a special day to go out to shop for socks and underwear. You’re getting old when you go to the supermarket once a day whether you need anything or not. When you suddenly realize that young people today just piss you off, you’re old.

When you start reading the obituaries, and all your friends are in there, you’re right to be concerned. That’s because you’re old too. You’re just not dead yet. Don’t worry, you’ll know when it happens. It will be in the paper.

It’s not up to me to say whether you’re getting old or not.

You know yourself best.


This story appeared previously in defenestration magazine.


Editor’s Note: I was looking at a photo of Andre Agassi on Wiki, which I could have used given the attribution/Commons License. In reading the license, I came across the term ‘personality rights.’ While parody has a fair latitude, and no disrespect would have been intended, the content might have been misunderstood.

Due to the egregious nature of this content I have elected to go with an anonymous model. Moral rights do require consideration and we are now aware of this issue. Thanks for listening.