Any Asshole can Become a Writer.

There's no big mystery.

by Louis Shalako







There's no big mystery.

Any asshole can become a writer, so don't you worry.

(What he means, meaning no offence to anyone, is that he expects to get there. -- ed.)

What you got to do is to write your brains out.

If that means writing a million words of crap first, then do what you gotta do.

(I suppose it's easier to say that once you've done it and put it behind you.)

It will happen.

So, what does it really take to become a writer?

Minimal investment.

Some brains in your head.

A little imagination.

A little bit of backyard psychology.

A compelling urge not to work for a living.

The knowledge that nothing can stand before a determined man.

The ability to make shit up, not so much on the spot, as later, when you got time to think about it.

The ability to fantasize and write it all down real quick before you forget.

A lust for life.

The attitude of a pit-bull when it clamps onto your arm.

An appreciation of the more fleeting of life's sublime little vignettes.

Life experiences.

A good cover story, one that holds up under neighbourhood scrutiny.

Some time on your hands.

A lot of love for, and a certain fascination with, people.

(They are your target audience, after all.)

A certain rudeness with telemarketers.

The ability to take a hit and remain on your feet looking puzzled.

(Did that guy just hit me? What up with that, eh?)

Motivation, which technically should have been at the top of the list but I'm still working on that, oh, you know. The whole story-building process.

Here's what I got to work with:

So here's my question:

What more do you think I need?

***

You've got to figure out what is your greatest strength. This is what you attack with.

Figure out your greatest weakness--and make it a strength.

The story is the thing, ladies and gentlemen.

Money, fame, success, influence, celebrity, a big fine house on a hill, all of that shit should be secondary.

If it comes, that's the reward for being a good story-teller and a good business-person.

All of this is a cumulative process. It all adds up over time. Start young, and keep going.

One quality all successful writers have is persistence.

They didn't quit.

They never gave up.

They never shut up and sat down.

They never turned around and walked away.

The project that you are working on right now is the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Nothing else really matters.

Live long and prosper.

END